Discernment Counseling –
Time-Limited Help if Considering Divorce

Discernment counseling is a therapeutic approach designed for those who are struggling with the decision about whether to stay in a marriage, divorce or wait and do nothing. 

It’s sometimes called “pre-divorce counseling,” but if one of you is dead set on getting divorced, there is no question about it; this form of counseling isn’t for you. If one of you is seriously contemplating divorce or you’re a couple on the brink, this isn’t the time to “work on the marriage.” 

That time has passed.

“dis·cern·ment coun-sel-ing:” noun – A marital approach that increases your ability to judge your marital options well: Pre-divorce counseling: Couples seeking professional advice by a qualified mental health provider.

But if you have lingering doubts about whether getting divorced is the right move, you’ll want to slow down and give it some serious thought. You need a place where a seasoned professional can meet with you individually, and briefly together, to help you sort it out.

Have a place where the professional sees you short-term, individually, and briefly together. We do it over a weekend. It’s for mixed-agenda couples deciding whether to divorce or not.

Divorce is an impactful decision.

It’s an important one that only you can make, on your own. It doesn’t require agreement between you both.

So this is a time-limited approach that can help you judge your marital options well and to make the call with greater clarity and confidence—especially if one of you is seriously contemplating divorce.

Make sure that marriage counseling isn’t a waste of your time and money – and that you’re not jumping the gun on a divorce you might regret.

Discernment Counseling is for couples where at least one partner is actively doubtful that marital therapy will help.

Who goes to discernment counseling?

The leaning out partner’s perspective

You may be looking to “get out easy” without being the one everyone “blames” for the divorce or causing even more pain.

If you have done counseling before, you may have “agreed” halfheartedly. Secretly, you were utterly convinced that “nothing would help.” Or you went to someone you thought was an expert, and it went horribly.

Maybe you brought up counseling and it got shot down.

You could be involved in an undisclosed, ongoing extra-marital affair that you aren’t willing to reveal or to give up.

Or maybe you’re so depressed you can’t do therapy well.

The divorce process feels overwhelming, too.

Or you want a no-fault divorce, but you’re getting no cooperation.

Maybe there are children, and you’re worried about how this will affect them.

This might not be the first time you’ve thought about leaving.

But at this point, you can’t continue the way things are, not for your husband or wife, not for anybody, not even if kids are involved. You are in so much pain that you believe divorce may be the only solution.

You have a story to tell.

Pain, frustration. Maybe that story hasn’t been taken seriously – maybe not even now. It’s about your unhappiness. The efforts you put in. How little it helped.

The lonely feelings you’ve been covering up. How invisible you feel. And how the things you’ve done to try to make things better have just left you even more hopeless. You want to give up.

There’s no air in the room when you are together. Vacations suck. You feel like a big faker by staying. And you want a life. You deserve a life. The passion is gone (if it ever was there), and you don’t believe in keeping up appearances.

But Divorce? That’s A Big Step

You want a place to talk it out. To find the words. To explain to your spouse—who may be freaked out or so angry that you can’t even say “pass the salt” without a blow-up.

We’re not here to “convince” you to stay. Our job is to slow things down, and help you get clear—to yourself—about why you want what you want.

This isn’t marriage counseling. We aren’t going to try to transform your relationship.

Discernment counseling can save thousands of dollars spent on marital counseling doomed from the start.

If you decide to try couples therapy, that’s later. That’s one of three outcomes you’ll consider. But for now? You just want to know where you stand.

Let’s be honest: if you don’t explore your contributions to the problems, you’re just going to repeat them.

And if you’re actively having an affair (no, we won’t make you disclose it in Discernment Counseling…), repeating that pattern may come sooner than you think.

The ‘Leaning In’ spouse’s perspective

You knew there were problems, but leaving? That’s not what you thought the two of you were made of. You’re not a quitter. And now? YOu feel completely blindsided.