How to Deal With Emotional Abuse: Recognizing the Subtle Signs

Elizabeth and Ryan, both in their late 30s, have been married for 10 years. From the outside, they seem to have a stable relationship. But behind closed doors, their dynamic is quietly corrosive. Unlike their friends Christina and Timothy — who share open, respectful communication — Elizabeth often feels small, dismissed, and emotionally drained.

It’s not the kind of abuse that leaves bruises. It’s the kind that makes you question your own memory, your judgment, and eventually, your worth.

Withholding affection and engagement

One common form of emotional abuse is withholding – when a partner deliberately withdraws affection, attention or engagement. Ryan routinely does this when Elizabeth tries to share her thoughts or feelings with him.

While Tim thoughtfully engages when Christina wants to talk, saying things like, “I’m listening, what’s on your mind?,” Ryan often brushes Elizabeth off with curt responses:

“Can we talk about this later? I’m in the middle of something.”
“There’s nothing to discuss. Everything’s fine.”
“You’re always needing to talk. It’s exhausting.”
Or worse [Stares at the TV] “WHAT.”

Over time, these dismissals leave Elizabeth feeling unimportant and invisible.
It’s not just about the cold shoulder — it’s about the message it sends: Your needs are too much. You’re too much.

This form of emotional abandonment is devastating. Healthy relationships make room for both people’s emotional worlds. In emotionally abusive relationships, one partner shuts down — and shuts the other out.

Deflecting responsibility and blaming

Another insidious tactic Ryan employs is deflecting responsibility and turning things around on Elizabeth. Whenever she expresses hurt or frustration with his behavior, he’s quick to flip the script:

“I couldn’t be more affectionate because you’ve been so cold lately.”
“Maybe I’d want to spend more time with you if you weren’t always nagging me.”
“If you weren’t so insecure, my comments wouldn’t bother you so much.”

This is blame-shifting — a classic tactic in emotionally abusive relationships. The partner refuses to take accountability, twisting the narrative so that you become the problem.

In contrast, when conflicts arise for Christina and Tim, Tim owns his part:

“I realize I’ve been distracted lately. That wasn’t fair to you.”
“You’re right, I said I would handle that and I dropped the ball. Let me make it up to you.”
“I can see why my comment came across as critical. I could have phrased that better.”

That’s emotional maturity. Ryan, on the other hand, uses Elizabeth’s vulnerability against her.

Tim’s willingness to be introspective and apologize allows them to resolve issues as a team. There’s no blame or deflection, just shared responsibility.

Undermining autonomy and consent

Ryan also regularly disregards Elizabeth’s right to make independent choices. He questions her spending habits, pushes her to change plans with friends, and makes unilateral decisions for the household. There’s an undercurrent of “I know best.”

“I know I said I’d have dinner with your family this Sunday, but I didn’t realize that the game was on.”

When she suggests they stick to a budget, he mocks her:

“So you can try and control every penny I spend? No way.”

When she brings up boundaries in the bedroom, he guilt-trips her:

“If you really loved me, you’d want to have sex more.” “Why are you always rejecting me? You must not be attracted to me anymore.” “Other wives don’t turn down their husbands like this.”

This is coercion dressed up as longing. It’s about control, not connection.

Meanwhile, Tim simply says:

“Hey, I’ve been missing you. Want to go to bed early tonight?” And when Christina says she has a big presentation: “Oh, I forgot! What does this weekend look like?”

Respect. Mutual desire. Choice.

The Fog of Abuse

Many partners in emotionally abusive relationships don’t realize they’re in one. Why? Because the behaviors are subtle. They’re plausibly deniable. They’re often framed as jokes, forgetfulness, or even love.

“You’re just too sensitive.”
“I was only kidding.”
“I just want what’s best for us.”

It’s hard to spot when someone is defining reality for you — especially when you’ve been trained to doubt your own.

Ryan is looking at the credit card bill: “Hey, Elizabeth, are you a shopaholic?”

When challenged: “I was only kidding. Jeez, you really have no sense of humor. I’ll just work until I’m 100!”

That’s the insidious brilliance of emotional abuse: It gets you to participate in your own silencing.

Around seeing her friends:

Ryan: “Jody is a slut, Elizabeth. No one will say that, but I’m just being honest. I have no idea why you insist on seeing her.”

Recognizing the Signs

You’re always too hesitant to act on your own thoughts and feelings.

Your partners’ perceptions dominate your decision-making process. This is because when you’ve made your own decisions in the past, even minor ones, your partner became extremely upset, or simply ignored you and acted in ways that blocked your goals. Over time, you’ve gradually reined in your agency. Now you’re frozen in chronic self-doubt. You are always focused on pleasing or appeasing your abusive partner. You can never relax, you can never trust your own thoughts and feelings.

Reality is defined for you.

In emotionally abusive relationships, the abusive partner defines reality for you. Gaslighting is an example of how this is done. When you know something is true, and your partner insists that it isn’t, they may be gaslighting you. Emotionally abusive partners seek to enforce their own version of reality so that it successfully crowds out your own. And you are always too “stupid”, “forgetful,” “unreliable,” (fill in the blank) to know better. Respect in marriage just isn’t there.

Your spouse undermines your accomplishments, minimizes your abilities, and mocks your dreams.

Emotionally abusive spouses run you down instead of building you up. But sometimes it just isn’t as blatant. Sometimes the abusive spouse simply ignores your successes, or responds with his or her own. Sometimes they respond by sharing a concern about their own physical symptoms or worry about their child’s school success. There is no joy in you reaching your dreams. Or their response is a “Yes, but” as in “Yes, but you would have gotten a larger raise if you weren’t late so much.”

Your spouse has an obsessive need to control your access to money or mobility.

If your spouse is secretive about family money or texts you relentlessly when you’re away from home, these preoccupations seek to control your freedom and agency.
Two of the most potent sources of control in emotionally abusive relationships are who you can see and what you can spend. Ideally, the abusive partner wants you isolated and without resources.

They withhold whatever you specifically told them you need.

You feel more connected to your partner’s pain than to your own.

Emotionally abusive spouses often bear their scars and parade a litany of past hurts. These hurts can be from their childhood or from you and your behavior. They avoid responsibility because they are too “wounded” by what you allegedly said or did. They use their inconsolability as a bludgeon to beat you into compliance. They manipulate you into caring more for their pain than for your own. You feel bad…so you focus on making them happy even while their demands are unreasonable.

Sex is either too little or too much.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, love is a battlefield. Some partners withhold intimacy as a way of punishing their spouses. Others may seek to coerce or guilt-trip their partner into sexual behavior against their will. The arena of intimacy becomes a constant exercise of control, either through withholding or manipulation. In emotionally abusive relationships, physical intimacy is never mutual, relaxed, or loving.

Recognizing emotional abuse

So how can someone in Elizabeth’s position recognize they are experiencing emotional abuse? Here are some key signs to look out for:

Pervasive inequality

Emotional abuse creates an unbalanced dynamic where the abusive partner’s needs and opinions seem to matter more.¹ You may feel like you’re always walking on eggshells, trying not to rock the boat. A healthy relationship makes space for both partners’ thoughts and feelings. Notice that Ryan buys non-essential items that he labels “necessities,” while he suggested that his wife is “addicted” to shopping and forcing him to work well beyond retirement age.

Emotional abandonment

Withholding affection, attention and engagement is emotionally devastating. If you frequently feel shut out or invisible, like your partner has put up a wall against your attempts to connect, it’s a red flag.² A loving partner will show interest in you and make an effort to be emotionally present.

Ryan stopped talking to or engaging with Elizabeth after she objected to his cancelling dinner with her family. He went, but was rude and sullen, and blamed her for being controlling. He stopped talking to her for the rest of the week.

Chronic blame-shifting

Abusive partners often twist things around to make you feel responsible for their behavior. You’re the “too sensitive” one, the “overreacting” one, the one who “pushed them” to act a certain way.³ In reality, your partner is responsible for managing their own conduct. Chronic blame-shifting is a way to control you and erode your self-trust.

When Elizabeth objected to the expensive riding mower Ryan bought, he told her that he would return it and “she can mow the grass from now on.” Asking him to keep his commitment to eat with her family caused her to suffer a long week of being snubbed and ignored by him. She thought long and hard about “insisting” that he keep his commitments to her in the future.

When Ryan was caught sexting with a female friend, he angrily accused Elizabeth of “spying” and driving him to “harmless amusements” because she was so “sexually unresponsive.”

Dismissal of your “no”

If your partner steamrolls your boundaries, pressures you to change your mind, or makes unilateral decisions, they are communicating that your consent and autonomy don’t matter.⁴ A respectful partner will welcome your “no,” collaborate with you on plans and priorities, and ensure you feel empowered to make your own choices.

Despite reminding him over the last two months of her upcoming “girls’ weekend” with college friends, Ryan was shocked that he was going to have to “disappoint his boss” because he had promised to complete a big assignment over that weekend. He “allowed” her to go, despite the “potential cost to his career.” Elizabeth simply stopped planning these types of getaways.

Ryan had decided to store his “overflow” office equipment in Elizabeth’s private space, despite her objections. His “little pile” kept growing until the chaos was intolerable to her otherwise organized office. Elizabeth was confronted with having to get a babysitter for her night classes after Ryan decided that fitness was his new priority and went to the gym on the nights she had classes.

So, what should you do if these signs feel all too familiar? Here are some action steps:

Individual therapy

Working with a counselor one-on-one can help you process the emotional abuse, set boundaries, and determine your path forward. Therapy provides a safe, objective space to validate your experiences and rebuild self-worth eroded by the abuse.⁵ Look for a counselor who specializes in emotional abuse recovery. You can’t respond to emotional abuse if you can’t recognize it. You can’t enforce boundaries unless you feel entitled to have boundaries to begin with. Emotional abuse wears on the target and becomes invisible over time.

Couples counseling

If your partner is willing to accept responsibility, commit to change, and put in the hard work, carefully consider couples counseling. It’s critical to choose a therapist trained in abuse dynamics who will keep the sessions constructive and balanced.⁶ Couples work is not advisable if you are being pressured into it or if abuse is severe.

Prioritize your safety

If trying to address the abuse results in escalating danger, control, or retaliation, individual safety must be the priority. Reach out to domestic violence support services for guidance on protecting yourself and any children involved.⁷ Remember, you are not responsible for your partner’s abusive choices and you deserve to feel safe.

How to deal with emotional abuse

If any part of Elizabeth and Ryan’s dynamic resonated with you, know that you are not alone and you are not to blame. Emotional abuse can be incredibly insidious and disorienting. But the more you learn to recognize it, the more empowered you become to stand up for the treatment you deserve, both within yourself and within your relationship. Change is possible. Healing is possible. And you are so extremely worthy of it.

Summary

Recognizing emotional abuse when it’s subtle can be challenging, especially when you’re in the thick of it. But learning to identify the red flags – the inequality, emotional abandonment, blame-shifting, and boundary violations – is so vital. You deserve a relationship rooted in mutual care, respect, and consideration. Whether through individual counseling, carefully approached couples work, or prioritizing your immediate safety, there are steps you can take to reclaim your voice and your relational well-being. You are worthy of love and a partnership that uplifts you.

How to Deal With Emotional Abuse: Recognizing the Subtle Signs

Withholding affection and engagement