Let’s explore what real intimacy looks like—and how to build it back.

What is Intimacy in Marriage?

“Intimacy isn’t just about knowing someone. It’s about being known—and choosing to stay close anyway.”

Intimacy is the cornerstone of a thriving marriage, yet many couples struggle to maintain deep connection in their relationships. While most people immediately think of physical intimacy, true marital intimacy encompasses emotional, intellectual, and even spiritual bonds. In this evidence-based guide, we’ll explore proven strategies to deepen your connection with your partner, drawing from decades of relationship research and clinical experience.

Are you looking to improve your intimacy? Enhance your sex life? It may be easy for some couples and seemingly impossible for others.

While physical intimacy is important to the well-being of a happy marriage, it is usually a component of emotional and intellectual intimacy. A healthy marriage has all of these variables. Sex and intimacy are phrases often used interchangeably, but intimacy in a relationship is more than sexual intimacy or a weekly date night.

One researcher who has studied intimacy for more than 40 years, John Gottman, describes intimacy as a combination of shared meaning and helping to make each other’s life dreams come true. A sense of greater purpose and legacy provides intimacy.

The Seven Types of Marital Intimacy

1. Emotional Intimacy: The Heart of Connection

Emotional intimacy forms the foundation of a deeply connected marriage. Think of it as creating a safe space where both partners can share their innermost thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection.

I recently worked with a couple, Chloe and Benjamin, who struggled with emotional intimacy. Chloe would try to share her work frustrations, but Benjamin would immediately jump into problem-solving mode. We worked on helping Benjamin learn to simply listen and validate Chloe’s feelings first. The transformation was remarkable – Chloe felt truly heard for the first time in years, and Benjamin discovered a deeper understanding of his wife’s emotional world.

It is more than requesting: “Pick up the dry cleaning tomorrow.” It’s sharing your inner world, thoughts about that world, and about yourself, that matters.

To build emotional intimacy, start with daily check-ins where you share not just what happened in your day, but how you felt about it. The key is listening without trying to fix – something many of us find surprisingly challenging but incredibly rewarding to master.

Things to Talk About Tonight

• When do you feel most emotionally safe with me?
• What’s something you wish I understood more deeply about you?
• Is there anything you’ve been holding back because you didn’t know how to say it?
• What does it feel like to be truly heard by me?

2. Physical Intimacy: Beyond the Bedroom

Physical intimacy encompasses far more than sexual connection. It’s about all the ways we use touch to express care and create closeness. This could be as simple as a spontaneous hug, holding hands during a walk, or a gentle touch on the shoulder as you pass by in the kitchen.

The science behind physical touch is fascinating. Even brief moments of caring physical contact release oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone,” which helps create feelings of trust and connection between partners. This explains why something as simple as a 20-second hug can dramatically shift how connected you feel to your spouse.

Touchpoints of Closeness

• What kinds of touch feel most loving to you?
• Do you ever feel hesitant to express your physical needs? Why?
• How can we create more ease and safety in our physical connection?
• What small gesture (a hug, a kiss, a glance) makes you feel most connected to me?

3. Intellectual Intimacy

The First Couple: Lost Opportunities

Millie loved historical dramas. She’d eagerly tell George about the next episode each week, hoping to share her excitement. But George would just nod and give short “hmm” responses.

On show nights, Millie would set everything up by 8 PM. She’d call for George, but he’d always need “one more thing” before joining. For 15 minutes, she’d sit alone. When George finally came in, he’d walk past her inviting pat (“Come sit with me…”) on the couch and sink into his own chair instead.

Halfway through, like clockwork, George would offer to get drinks. He’d spend extra time in the kitchen, use the bathroom, and finally return – only to fall asleep before the show ended.

The Second Couple: Growing Together

Jill and Jamie watched the same show, but differently. When Jill shared the trailer, Jamie replied with real excitement. They made it special – sharing the couch, making popcorn, and truly being there together.

The show became part of their daily life. They’d talk about the characters over breakfast or guess what might happen next. Their shared interest sparked real conversations and closer feelings.

Spark a Thoughtful Conversation

• What’s something you’ve read or watched recently that stayed with you?
• If we could take a class together just for fun, what would it be?
• What’s a belief or opinion you’ve changed in the last few years?
• What shared interest would you love for us to rediscover or explore together?

The Real Difference

Being in the same room isn’t enough. What matters is how couples share thoughts and feelings about what they’re doing. Jamie and Jill turned TV time into a way to connect. George and Millie sat through the same show but missed the chance to grow closer.

Week after week, this pattern repeated. Instead of bringing them closer, these evenings left Millie feeling more alone than ever.

Love isn’t just in what you say. It’s in how well you know what your partner is longing to say—but hasn’t yet.

4. Spiritual Intimacy: Sharing Life’s Deeper Meaning

Spiritual intimacy isn’t about reciting the same prayers or attending the same services. It’s about turning toward each other with life’s deeper questions:

• What gives your life meaning?
• What do you believe in when things get hard?
• What kind of legacy are we building—together?

For some couples, these conversations come naturally. For others, spiritual intimacy isn’t something they’ve considered—or even named. But when it’s present, it creates a powerful sense of being aligned not just in daily life, but in purpose.

Practices That Invite Spiritual Closeness

One couple I worked with started a simple nightly ritual: sharing three things they were grateful for before bed. What began as a gratitude exercise grew into something far richer—an evolving conversation about what mattered most to them, what they hoped for, and what they were learning from the small moments of daily life.

Another practice we recommend for couples who want to deepen their spiritual connection is something we call Dashnaw’s Prayer—a gentle, spoken ritual of appreciation.

Each night:

• One partner begins: “Dear God, thank you for this woman (man),” followed by one specific thing she did that day they’re grateful for.
• Then they switch: “Dear God, thank you for this man,” with the same structure.
• No discussion. Just a shared “Amen.”

The power of this ritual isn’t in its theology. It’s in the attention. The naming. The presence. Over time, this nightly gratitude becomes a spiritual practice of witnessing and being witnessed—quietly anchoring the relationship in something deeper than logistics and love languages.

The Science and the Mystery

Research tells us that couples who share spiritual intimacy—alongside practices like bathing together or maintaining regular physical closeness—report the highest levels of marital satisfaction. But you don’t need a study to feel the truth of that. When we connect on a soul level, when we glimpse the sacred in each other, the whole relationship shifts.

Spiritual intimacy doesn’t require matching belief systems. What it does require is a shared willingness to explore the intangible together. To wonder aloud. To sit with the unknown. And to honor the fact that your marriage isn’t just about surviving—it’s about becoming.

When we glimpse the sacred in each other, the whole relationship shifts.

Questions to Ask Each Other: Exploring Spiritual Intimacy

• When have you felt most spiritually connected to me?
• Do you believe there’s a “greater purpose” to our being together?
• What does it mean to you that our relationship is still becoming—not just surviving?
• What do you think we’ve been called to learn—or heal—together?
  
  These aren’t just conversations. They’re acts of devotion.

5. Recreational Intimacy: The Joy of Shared Experiences

There’s something quietly magical about sharing joy with the person you love. Not just going through the motions—but being in it together. That’s the essence of recreational intimacy: delighting in each other’s company, creating memories that feel light, vivid, and alive.

But here’s the part many couples miss: It’s not just about doing things together. It’s about being present together. Fully. Playfully. Emotionally engaged.

You can sit on the same couch for hours and still feel miles apart. Proximity means little without shared attention and mutual enjoyment.

Why Novelty Matters

Neuroscience has a beautiful answer for this. Novelty triggers the release of dopamine—that feel-good, light-you-up chemical that makes experiences more memorable and rewarding. When you do something new with your partner, your brain doesn’t just register pleasure—it associates that pleasure with them.

And when the brain’s “play circuitry” is activated? You’re not just having fun—you’re linking joy to love. That’s intimacy in motion.

Rediscovering What’s Fun (Without Forcing It)

You don’t have to sky-dive or salsa dance to build recreational intimacy (though if you’re tempted—by all means, go for it).

Start simpler.

Ask yourself: When did I last feel playful? Curious? Free?

For many of us, the answer lies further back than we’d like to admit—before responsibility took over. So look there.

• Did you love building sandcastles? Try a day trip to the coast.
• Were you obsessed with music? Go to a small live show and sway together in the dark.
• Loved sleepovers and stargazing? Pitch a blanket in the backyard and look up.

Create Meaning Through Play

Play isn’t frivolous. It’s formative. Shared experiences become relational glue—stories you retell, inside jokes you revisit, even secret languages only the two of you understand.

Whether it’s hiking a new trail, cooking a chaotic new recipe, or naming your grocery runs “missions,” novelty says: We’re still creating something together.

And when you link pleasure with connection—especially through mirror neurons, which help us empathize and “feel with”—you deepen your emotional bond without needing to talk it out.

Play says: We’re still creating something together

Let’s Make Joy a Practice

• When did we last laugh—really laugh—together?
• What’s something new we could try, just for fun?
• If we could plan a mini adventure this weekend, what would it be?
• What did you love doing as a kid that you’d enjoy sharing with me now?

Tiny Shifts, Big Impact

Don’t overthink it. Turn a walk into a mini adventure. Try a new dessert. Switch roles on your usual date night. Even changing your routine ever so slightly says: I want to experience something new—with you.

Because in a world that asks so much of you—jobs, kids, aging parents, endless emails—choosing joy on purpose is an act of love. And doing it together? That’s intimacy.

6. Financial Intimacy: Building Trust Through Money Matters

If you can’t talk about money, you can’t feel fully safe. Transparency builds more than trust—it builds team.

Financial intimacy might sound less romantic than other forms of closeness, but it’s crucial for relationship health. It’s about creating transparency and trust around money, working together toward shared goals, and supporting each other through financial challenges.

In my practice, I’ve seen how financial secrets can erode trust just as dramatically as other forms of betrayal. Conversely, couples who approach money as a team, sharing both dreams and concerns openly, often report feeling more secure and connected in their relationship overall.

Let’s Talk About Money (Without Freaking Out)

• What was money like in your home growing up? How does that shape how you handle it now?
• What financial goals feel exciting to you? Which feel stressful?
• How do you feel when we talk about money? Seen? Safe? Pressured?
• What’s one way we could handle money more like a team?

7. Experiential Intimacy: Creating Your Shared Story

Every shared experience becomes a page in your love story.

Write This Chapter Together

• What’s one memory that feels like a turning point in our relationship?
• When have we faced something hard—and come through stronger?
• What story do we want to be telling about our life a year from now?
• What would our “highlight reel” include so far—and what’s the next scene?

Think of it as writing your love story together, where each shared experience – whether it’s navigating a difficult time together or embarking on a new adventure – adds another chapter to your unique narrative as a couple.

What Makes a Relationship Truly Intimate?

Think about the difference between a business transaction and a heart-to-heart conversation with a close friend. That’s the same difference between a merely functional marriage and an intimate one. While you absolutely need to discuss practical matters like bills and schedules, true intimacy goes far beyond these day-to-day interactions.

In my years of working with couples, I’ve seen how transformative it can be when partners understand that intimacy isn’t just about date nights or physical closeness. It’s about feeling that your partner’s presence genuinely enriches your everyday experiences – whether you’re tackling life’s challenges together or simply sharing a quiet evening at home.

Dr. John Gottman, who has studied thousands of couples over four decades, describes real intimacy as a combination of shared meaning and actively supporting each other’s life dreams. It’s about creating something bigger together than either of you could create alone.

Why Do Couples Experience a Lack of Intimacy?

While some couples face deep-rooted challenges like trauma or addiction (what clinicians call “Intimacy Anorexia“), many marriages experience intimacy challenges due to everyday life circumstances. Understanding these common barriers is the first step toward addressing them.

Stress and Demanding Schedules

Intimacy often takes a back seat when couples are overwhelmed with work deadlines, childcare responsibilities, and household management. Chronic stress triggers the release of cortisol, which can suppress the hormones responsible for emotional bonding and physical desire. Many couples find themselves too exhausted to engage in meaningful conversation or quality time together, creating an unintentional distance.

Communication Breakdown

Over time, couples may fall into patterns of surface-level communication, discussing only logistics and daily tasks while avoiding deeper conversations. This often happens gradually – quick texts replace face-to-face discussions, and conversations focus on managing household responsibilities rather than sharing thoughts, dreams, and emotions. Couples can begin feeling like roommates rather than intimate partners without regular emotional exchange.

Health Challenges

Physical and mental health issues significantly impact marital intimacy. Chronic pain, hormonal changes, depression, anxiety, and certain medications can affect both emotional and physical intimacy. Sleep disorders or mismatched sleep schedules can reduce opportunities for connection. Many couples struggle to discuss health-related intimacy challenges openly, leading to misunderstandings and feelings of rejection.

Digital Distractions

Modern technology, while connecting us to the world, often disconnects us from our partners. The constant presence of smartphones, tablets, and streaming services can create what researchers call “technoference” in relationships. Scrolling through social media in bed, checking work emails during dinner, or binge-watching shows instead of talking can replace opportunities for genuine connection.

Unresolved Conflicts

When couples avoid addressing disagreements or hurt feelings, they create emotional barriers that affect intimacy. These unresolved issues often manifest as emotional withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, or reduced physical affection. Over time, small resentments can accumulate into significant emotional distance, making vulnerability and intimate connection feel unsafe or impossible.

Understanding these common barriers helps normalize the challenges many couples face while highlighting opportunities for positive change. The good news is that with awareness and intentional effort, couples can address these obstacles and rebuild their intimate connection.

Pathways to Building Intimacy

How to Begin Building Greater Intimacy

The journey to deeper intimacy starts with small, consistent steps. Begin by choosing one area where you’d like to strengthen your connection. Perhaps start with emotional intimacy by setting aside 15 minutes each day for an uninterrupted conversation about your thoughts and feelings. Or focus on physical intimacy by intentionally adding more non-sexual touch to your daily interactions.

Remember that building intimacy is a gradual process that requires patience, understanding, and commitment from both partners. It’s okay to move slowly and to sometimes feel uncomfortable – that’s often a sign you’re moving beyond your comfort zone and creating opportunity for growth.

Emotional Closeness

Knowing your partner’s inner world requires not only sharing positive thoughts and feelings but also essential is the capacity to complain safely to each other. Living with anyone can be an annoying experience. Increasing emotional intimacy requires candor and openness. Openness means “vulnerability” for many couples.

When we can tell our partner with kindness and candor how we want them to change, the resentments fade, and we become more interested in kissing with full tenderness.

Signs of Intimacy Issues

One clinician called it “Intimacy Anorexia.” It’s often linked to both early trauma (called “Developmental Trauma”) and sex addiction. Imagine if heading out to a day at the beach resulted in a violent incident between your parents. What if the only “novelty” you experienced was terrifying?

Some of us also have negative experiences with sharing our thoughts and feelings with adults and other children. Can you imagine how challenging it would be to share deeper thoughts and feelings as an adult if they guilt-tripped, punished or even abused you for doing so?

Closing

Building lasting intimacy in marriage requires intention, vulnerability, and consistent effort from both partners. Whether you’re struggling with emotional distance or looking to deepen an already strong connection, remember that small, daily actions—from sharing your inner thoughts to creating new experiences together—can dramatically strengthen your bond. If you’re finding it particularly challenging to bridge the intimacy gap, consider working with a qualified couples therapist who can help guide you through this important journey.