We’ve all been there. Your partner says something simple—maybe even reasonable—and suddenly you’re hot with indignation, ready to defend your honor like a medieval knight.
The problem? You’re not under attack. Not really.
But defensiveness feels like protection when you’re actually pushing your partner away. And the cost to connection, trust, and intimacy is steep.
This guide blends the wisdom of science-based couples therapy with real-life, emotionally honest examples. Whether you’ve caught yourself saying, “That’s not what happened!” or you’re tired of conversations turning combative, this post will help you spot the problem—and start changing it.
What Is Defensiveness, Really?
Dr. John Gottman calls defensiveness one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—not exactly a relationship mood we’re aiming for. He defines it as:
“Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.”
The key word here is perceived. It doesn’t matter whether your partner meant to criticize—you felt criticized. And that sets off a chain reaction in your nervous system that leads to defensiveness.
You might:
- Shift the blame.
- Downplay their concern.
- Launch a counterattack.
Claim innocence or martyrdom.
Example: “George, can you please close the garbage lid? I saw ants again.”
George (defensive):
- “It wasn’t me. I think you left it open.”
- “You should be glad I even take the trash out.”
- “You’re always nitpicking. Why don’t you worry about your own chores?”
Sound familiar?
Why Do We Get Defensive?
Defensiveness isn’t always conscious. It’s often automatic—especially when:
- You feel criticized or unappreciated
- You’re tired, stressed, or triggered
- It touches on a sore spot from your past
Childhood wounds or trauma
If you grew up with hyper-critical parents, even a gentle request can land like a grenade.
Low self-esteem
You hear “Can you pick up your boots?” as “You’re a careless failure.”
Cognitive distortions
- Mind reading: “She thinks I’m lazy.”
- Overgeneralizing: “You never appreciate me.”
- Emotional reasoning: “I feel attacked, so I must be attacked.”
Unspoken agreements
Some couples operate on unspoken rules: “I won’t criticize you if you don’t criticize me.” But when one breaks the pact (even gently), all bets are off.
The High Cost of Defensiveness in Marriage
It might feel like a shield, but defensiveness is more like a wedge. Here’s what it creates:
- Escalation: One defensive comment invites another. Before you know it, you’re miles from the original issue.
- Disconnection: Your partner feels unheard, invalidated, and emotionally unsafe.
- Stunted growth: Defensiveness blocks feedback—the kind that leads to insight and change.
As Gottman’s research shows, the way a conversation starts predicts how it ends over 90% of the time. Defensiveness guarantees a rough landing.
What Defensiveness Sounds Like
Let’s look at Candy and Frank:
Candy: “Frank, we agreed to put boots on the rack. Yours are still in the hallway.”
Frank:
- Innocent victim: “I pick them up every night. Why are you on me now?”
- Counterattack: “Have you seen the garage? You leave junk everywhere.”
- Gaslighting: “I never agreed to that.”
Instead of addressing the behavior, Frank changes the subject, denies, or blames. Sound familiar?
How to Stop Being Defensive: 6 Science-Backed Strategies
1. Pause and Breathe
Gottman found that men who pause just 5 seconds before replying to a complaint have significantly better marriages.
Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Mad? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Naming it softens it.
2. Take Partial Responsibility
You don’t need to agree with everything to validate something.
“You’re right—I forgot. I’ll fix it.”
Even owning 2% of the issue can stop the blame cycle.
3. Use Repair Attempts
When a conversation starts to go off the rails, try:
“Hold on, I need to breathe.”
“This topic is hard for me, but I want to understand you.”
These phrases tell your partner: I’m trying. I care.
4. Make Your Own Complaints
Oddly enough, expressing your own needs makes it easier to hear theirs.
Frank realized in therapy that he had made a secret deal in his head: I won’t criticize you if you don’t criticize me. Once he started expressing his needs clearly, Candy’s didn’t feel like attacks anymore.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Being wrong doesn’t make you worthless. When you feel shame creeping in, remind yourself:
“It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m learning.”
This inner dialogue helps you stay open when your ego wants to bolt.
6. Reframe Feedback as a Gift
Yes, it stings. But it also helps you grow. Adopting a growth mindset (Dweck, 2016) makes all the difference.
What If Your Partner Comes at You Harshly?
Even a solid partner can deliver feedback like a freight train. You don’t have to be a doormat. But try staying grounded:
Doris: “I can’t believe you forgot again. You’re so inconsiderate!”
George: “I let you down. I get that. I’m sorry.”
Doris: “That doesn’t even begin to cover it. You NEVER think!”
George: “This clearly matters to you. I want to fix it. I’m really sorry you feel this way.”
Eventually, Doris softens. The emotional train slows down. But if it doesn’t? And the attacks continue?
That’s not your cue to stay calm forever. If repeated repair attempts fail, take a break. Your partner may be emotionally flooded. And no good comes from staying in the blast zone.
In Some Cases, Defensiveness Is Chronic
If your partner never takes responsibility, always shifts blame, or uses passive-aggressive deflection as a default… it’s time for deeper work. Chronic defensiveness may be rooted in trauma, emotional immaturity, or even a personality issue.
That’s where couples therapy makes all the difference.
Final Thoughts: The Courage to Connect
Defensiveness is natural. It’s human. But it’s also changeable.
When you learn to pause, breathe, and take a small amount of responsibility, you do more than stop a fight—you invite intimacy.
So next time you hear, “Can you please put away the boots?”—don’t armor up. Tune in.
That moment is not an attack. It’s an opportunity.
“What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we’re stuck.” – Pema Chödrön
Learning how to unstick yourself—and soften in the moment—is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your partner. And to yourself.
Ready to break your defensiveness cycle? Couples Therapy Inc. offers science-based help that transforms communication and deepens connection. Let’s talk.
Introduction
Have you ever found yourself in a heated discussion with your partner, only to realize that you’re more focused on defending yourself than truly listening? If so, you’re not alone. Defensiveness is a common but problematic response that can hinder personal growth and strain relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2015). In this post, we’ll explore what defensiveness is, why it’s a problem, and most importantly, how you can overcome it to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections with your loved ones.
What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is a reactive emotional response that occurs when we feel criticized, attacked, or wrongly accused (Lisitsa, 2013). It often manifests as a knee-jerk reaction to protect ourselves from perceived threats, leading us to deflect blame, make excuses, or launch counterattacks. Common triggers for defensiveness include feeling judged, misunderstood, or unappreciated by our partners (Lisitsa, 2013).
Instead of taking some responsibility for the problem at hand, like “I can see that” or “I know that bugs you” they respond defensively.
Examples- Candy and Frank -Boots left in the hallway:
Candy pointed out that Frank agreed not to leave their boots. She points out that he just left them there, and asks him to pick them up and put them on the boot rack.
Innocent Victim: (claims of mistreatment)
(Frank in a whiney voice)”I have been picking those boots up every night. Why are you on me tonight?”
Righteously Indignant Counterattack: (distracting from the complaint)
“Have you looked at the garage, Candy? You leave your junk all over the place?!”
(mocking) “Pick up your boots, you AGREED to!”
Gaslighting:
“I never agreed to that. You were complaining about them and I just ignored you.”
Why Defensiveness is a Problem
Defensiveness is a problem because it escalates the exchange. It hinders good communication, stunts personal growth , and damages intimate relationships.
Hinders Communication
When we’re in a defensive state, we’re more focused on protecting ourselves than truly listening to our partner’s perspective. This prevents active listening and creates a combative atmosphere that stifles open, honest communication (Gottman & Silver, 2015). As a result, misunderstandings and conflicts often escalate, leaving both partners feeling unheard and disconnected.
Stunts Personal Growth
Defensiveness makes it difficult to accept feedback and learn from our mistakes. When we’re resistant to constructive criticism, we miss out on valuable opportunities for self-reflection and growth. This not only hinders our personal development but also prevents us from making positive changes that could strengthen our relationships.
While it might feel like capitulating when one takes some responsibility for the partner’s complaint, it has a positive effect on the marriage. Their spouse feels listened to and respected, more loved, even. They see their spouse as strong for being able to admit they made a mistake. While defensiveness escalates the argument, accepting some responsibility allows us to go easier on ourselves and accept our humanity.
Damages Relationships
Over time, chronic defensiveness can erode the trust and intimacy in our relationships. It pushes our partners away, making them feel unheard, invalidated, and emotionally unsafe (Lisitsa, 2013). This can lead to a vicious cycle of conflict and disconnection, ultimately threatening the stability and longevity of our partnerships.
Escalation is the enemy in any relationship fight, and defensiveness causes that exact escalation. If his partner had made a perfectly good complaint and he responded defensively, she’s more likely to respond with a criticism or even contempt.
The Roots of Defensiveness
Defensiveness often stems from deeper psychological factors, such as:
Self Preservation:
The defensive person feels under attack. This can be real or imagined, as there are two realities in a relationship. Whether the speaker was trying to be critical or contemptuous, that’s the way the defensive person took it.
Past experiences and trauma:
Painful experiences from our past can make us more sensitive to criticism and more likely to react defensively (Nowlan et al., 2015). Frank was raised by a harsh, critical parent who was “always right” and punished excessively for the slightest infraction. This has left Frank reactive to anything (like a request to pick up his boots) that reminds him of that past. He’s also tired and hungry. Now, no longer a helpless child, and now he’s going to fight back, and Candy is the stand-in for his hostile parents!
Low self-esteem and insecurity:
When we lack confidence in ourselves, we’re more prone to interpreting feedback as a personal attack (Lisitsa, 2013). When you accept some measure of responsibility for the matter at hand, it could feel like admitting that you are wrong. Low self-esteem drives them to feel like the slightest fault (like not picking up the boots) means that they failed and are worthless. With defensiveness, they are declaring their innocence and denying responsibility. They are NOT a loser, a failure, or a lazy man who leaves his boots carelessly around.
Cognitive distortions and biases:
Our thought patterns and biases can distort our perceptions, leading us to misinterpret our partner’s intentions and react defensively (Beck, 2011).
Defensiveness in relationships often stems from cognitive distortions and biases that influence how we perceive and interpret our partner’s words, actions, and intentions. These distortions can lead to misunderstandings and defensive reactions. Here are a few examples:
Mind reading: Assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling without them explicitly stating it. For example, you might believe that your partner is calling you a slop for leaving the boots there, or if your partner is quiet, you might assume they are angry with you and become defensive, when in reality, they may just be tired or preoccupied with something else.
Overgeneralization: Drawing a broad conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. For instance, if your partner asks you to pick up your boots, you think she is going to demand that you do more housework, or if your partner forgets to do a chore, you might overgeneralize and think, “They never help around the house,” leading to a defensive response.
Emotional reasoning: Believing that your emotions reflect reality. If you feel hurt or insecure, you might assume your partner is intentionally trying to hurt you, causing you to react defensively without considering alternative explanations for their behavior.
Labeling: Assigning global negative traits to your partner based on specific actions. For example, if your partner makes a mistake, you might label them as “irresponsible” or “selfish,” leading to defensive communication, or you might believe that they are labeling you that way.
Blaming: Focusing on your partner’s flaws or mistakes (“She leaves stuff everywhere!”) while overlooking your own role in the situation. When you feel attacked, you might become defensive and shift the blame entirely onto your partner, rather than taking responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Strategies to Overcome Defensiveness
Practice Self-Awareness
The first step in overcoming defensiveness is to recognize your triggers and the underlying emotions driving your reactions. Pay attention to the situations that provoke a defensive response in you, and take a moment to pause and reflect on what you’re feeling beneath the surface (Lisitsa, 2013). Are you feeling attacked, misunderstood, or unappreciated? By increasing your self-awareness, you can begin to respond more mindfully and effectively.
Cultivate a Growth Mindset
Instead of viewing feedback as a threat, try to reframe it as an opportunity for learning and growth. Embrace a growth mindset, which sees challenges and criticism as chances to improve and develop (Dweck, 2016). When your partner offers constructive feedback, take a deep breath and remind yourself that their intention is to help you grow, not to attack you personally.
Communicate Assertively
When discussing sensitive topics with your partner, practice using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs without blame or accusation. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I express my concerns.” This approach helps to minimize defensiveness and promotes more productive, empathetic communication (Lisitsa, 2013).
Additionally, make an effort to truly understand your partner’s perspective before responding. Ask clarifying questions, reflect on what they’re saying, and validate their feelings, even if you disagree (Gottman & Silver, 2015). By seeking to understand first, you create a safer, more receptive environment for open dialogue.
Make Your Own Complaints
Frank was surprised to learn, in an Intensive Couples Retreat, that he had made a “secret pact” that he wouldn’t criticize Candy, and so she shouldn’t criticize him. Only problem? He never shared this agreement with her, so he got very upset at her slightest complaint. He was encouraged to make effective complaints to Candy. This, paradoxically, makes it easier for him to respond non-defensively when she does.
Work on Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend. Acknowledge your imperfections and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes (Neff, 2011). When you’re feeling defensive, take a moment to practice self-compassion by silently repeating a soothing phrase, such as “I’m doing the best I can” or “It’s okay to be imperfect.”
Benefits of Overcoming Defensiveness
By working to overcome defensiveness, you can experience numerous benefits in your relationships and personal life, such as:
Improved relationships:
When you communicate more openly and empathetically, you foster deeper trust, understanding, and intimacy with your partner (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
Enhanced personal growth:
By embracing feedback and learning from your mistakes, you accelerate your personal development and become a better version of yourself (Dweck, 2016).
Greater emotional resilience:
As you practice self-compassion and assertive communication, you build emotional resilience and become better equipped to handle challenges and conflicts (Neff, 2011).
Conclusion
Overcoming defensiveness is a journey that requires self-awareness, patience, and practice. By recognizing your triggers, cultivating a growth mindset, communicating assertively, and practicing self-compassion, you can break free from the cycle of defensiveness and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Change takes time, so be kind to yourself as you navigate this process. With commitment and effort, you can transform your defensive patterns and create the loving, supportive connections you deserve.
References:
Beck, J. and Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Dweck, C. S. (2016). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony.
Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 29). The four horsemen: Defensiveness. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-defensiveness/
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self‐compassion, self‐esteem, and well‐being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x
