Dear Dr. K,

I am verbally abusive to my wife. I have explained to her that name-calling or remarks are only words that I say when I get angry, and they mean nothing. She feels different. I know it hurts her after I say it. I can’t stop my actions.

I need help before I lose her.

Remorseful but Repeating

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Verbal abuse can have perceived short-term benefits for the abuser, which can reinforce the behavior. Let’s explore this dynamic:

Understanding Verbal Abuse

Before we dive into solutions, it’s crucial to understand what constitutes verbal abuse. Verbal abuse includes:

• Name-calling and insults
• Constant criticism
• Yelling or screaming
• Threats and intimidation
• Belittling or dismissing feelings
• Blaming and accusation
• Manipulative language

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward change.

Short-term benefits for the abuser can include:

1. Control: Verbal abuse often allows the abuser to gain immediate control over a situation or person.
2. Stress relief: For some, lashing out verbally can feel like a release of tension or frustration.
3. Avoidance of deeper issues: Verbal abuse can be used to deflect from addressing underlying problems in a relationship or within oneself.
4. Sense of power: Putting others down can temporarily boost the abuser’s self-esteem or feeling of superiority.
5. Getting one’s way: Intimidation through verbal abuse can lead to compliance from others.

However, it’s crucial to understand that these “benefits” are ultimately harmful and illusory:

1. They damage relationships and erode trust over time.
2. They create a cycle of abuse that’s difficult to break.
3. They prevent the abuser from developing healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills.
4. They can lead to social isolation as others withdraw from the abusive person.
5. They often result in feelings of guilt and shame for the abuser.
6. They follow you into every new relationship, eroding it.

For those wanting to change this behavior:

1. Recognize the pattern: Understand how these short-term “benefits” reinforce harmful behavior.
2. Walk away: When you are tempted to “lose your cool” (Gottman calls it “flooding”) take a break of at least 20 minutes before returning to the topic.
3. Develop alternative coping strategies: Learn healthier ways to deal with stress, frustration, and conflict.
4. Practice delayed gratification: Work on tolerating short-term discomfort for long-term relational health.
5. Seek therapy: A professional can help address underlying issues that fuel the abusive behavior.
6. Practice mindfulness: Apps like Headspace have been reported to be effective in lowering stress when practiced twice daily.
7. Build empathy: Try to understand the long-term impact of verbal abuse on others, especially children.
8. Learn assertiveness: Develop skills to express needs and feelings respectfully without resorting to abuse.

Remember, while verbal abuse may seem to offer quick solutions or relief, the long-term costs far outweigh any temporary gains. Changing this behavior is challenging but ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships and improved self-esteem.

Harm to Children

Verbal abuse is a serious issue that can have long-lasting negative effects on partners and children. For men who recognize this problem in themselves and are motivated to change, there is hope. This post will explore practical steps and strategies for men to stop being verbally abusive, with a particular focus on changing behavior in front of children.

The Impact of Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse can have severe consequences, especially when children are involved:

1. On Partners: It can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
2. On Children: Witnessing verbal abuse can result in emotional and behavioral problems, academic issues, and an increased risk of becoming abusers or victims in future relationships.
3. On the Family Unit: It creates a toxic home environment, eroding trust and security.

I would like to ask you how widespread your impulse control problem is.

If the answer to most of these questions is “yes,” you likely have an impulse control problem that has gotten you into a lot of trouble in the past. Your wife is only one casualty. You are a danger to yourself and others and should immediately seek intensive individual therapy to learn how to control your anger before you do more damage.

I am totally serious.

Chances are this behavior has deep roots, and unless you learn a new way of engaging yourself in your world, you will end up in prison for some time. Then you will lose your wife.

If this problem is limited to just your wife, you have a different problem.

It leaves me with a different set of concerns.

First, you justify these verbal harangues as just something you do when you are angry. They mean “nothing” because you only use these words only when angry at your wife.

If we rule out the possibility that you don’t verbally abuse others when you get angry, you can control your behavior despite publicly announcing that you cannot. Therefore, something about your wife’s status makes her “abusable” to you.

I’d like you to consider that for a moment. You say you can’t stop your actions, yet you know they will end your marriage. You don’t do this behavior to just anyone; you limit your out-of-control behavior to your wife.

If more than your wife gets your abuse, who else does? The dog? Your children? Political pundits on TV? An opposing sports team?

Does it only happen in the home or outside the home as well?

By now, you should hopefully be observing some pattern in your behavior. This is important because it gives you insight into yourself.

“Getting angry” isn’t the problem; it’s Remorseful but Repetitive. Gottman found that couples can get angry with one another, and it is used constructively. Anger is an “approach” emotion, meaning that you interact with someone by telling them something you have and don’t want or something that you don’t want that you have.

Now, it is time to examine what topics cause this cascade of verbal pollution. What upsets you exceedingly that you become full of rage? Here are some possible options:

Your wife wants you to do something you don’t intend to do around the house. You wish she would stop bringing it up, but she keeps doing it. It is infuriating that she keeps talking about this, so you lose your temper.

Your wife wants you to interact with her when you prefer not to. You want peace and quiet, but she wants you to talk to her and ask her questions. This infuriates you, so you get angry and call her names.

Your wife complains about any number of things and won’t let up. Initially, you aren’t angry, but eventually, you get angry because she won’t stop talking.

You want to do something, and your wife objects. She doesn’t want you to do it. She tries to talk you out of it, and it makes you get angrier and angrier. You verbally abuse her until she stops.

Your wife refuses you sex or asks for sex when you aren’t in the mood. Or maybe she complains about the sex you do have. You can be angry at the conversation, and it escalates until you say things you later regret.

Maybe you can think of other situations that apply to your particular situation.

Ask yourself the following:

What do these situations have in common?

What are the results of you becoming verbally abusive? Does she become silent? Withdraw? Stop asking things of you?

Have the two of you ever had an effective disagreement that didn’t result in verbal abuse?

Steps to Stop Verbal Abuse

1. Acknowledge the Problem

The journey begins with honest self-reflection. You should admit to yourself that your behavior is abusive and commit to change. This takes courage but is essential for progress.

2. Seek Professional Help

Consider therapy or counseling. A mental health professional can help you:

• Understand the root causes of your behavior.
• Develop coping mechanisms
• Learn healthier communication skills.

3. Identify Triggers

Pay attention to situations or emotions that tend to precede abusive behavior. Common triggers include:

• Stress
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Alcohol or substance use
• Unresolved childhood trauma

Once identified, you can work on addressing these triggers constructively.

4. Practice Anger Management

Anger often fuels verbal abuse. Learn techniques to manage anger:

• Deep breathing exercises
• Counting to ten before responding
• Temporary removal from heated situations
• Regular exercise to reduce stress

Also, it’s worth mentioning that anger management is often most effective when it’s part of a comprehensive approach that may include individual therapy, family therapy, or treatment for underlying mental health issues if present. 

Anger management effectiveness varies depending upon:

• The individual’s commitment to change
• The specific techniques used in the program
• The duration and intensity of the treatment
• Whether the underlying causes of anger are addressed

5. Improve Communication Skills

Effective communication is critical to preventing verbal abuse:

• Practice active listening
• Use “I” statements to express feelings
• Avoid accusatory language
• Learn to compromise and negotiate

6. Develop Empathy

Try to see situations from your partner’s and children’s perspectives. Understanding their feelings can help prevent abusive reactions.

7. Take Responsibility

Avoid blaming others for your behavior. Recognize that you have control over your actions and words.

8. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present and aware of your emotions and reactions. This awareness can create a pause between feeling and action, allowing for better choices.

9. Establish a Support Network

Connect with friends, family, or support groups who can encourage your progress and hold you accountable.

10. Make Amends

Apologize sincerely for past abusive behavior. Actions speak louder than words, so follow up with consistent, respectful behavior.

Strategies for Changing Behavior in Front of Children

Children are particularly vulnerable to the effects of verbal abuse. Here are specific strategies to implement when children are present:

1. Model Respectful Communication

Children learn by example. Demonstrate respectful communication with your partner and others:

• Use polite language
• Express disagreement calmly
• Show appreciation and affection

2. Implement a “Time-Out” System

When you feel anger rising, excuse yourself from the situation. Have a designated “cool-down” space where you can collect yourself.

3. Use Positive Reinforcement

Praise good behavior in your children and partner. This creates a positive atmosphere and reduces the likelihood of conflicts escalating.

4. Establish Family Rules

Create clear guidelines for communication within the family. For example:

• No yelling or name-calling
• Everyone gets a chance to speak
• Disagreements are discussed calmly

5. Practice Patience

Children can be frustrating. Develop strategies to remain patient:

• Take deep breaths
• Remember that children are still learning
• Focus on teaching rather than punishing

6. Engage in Family Activities

Regular positive interactions can strengthen bonds and create a more harmonious home environment. This can reduce stress and conflict.

7. Educate Your Children

Teach your children about healthy relationships and communication. This not only helps them but also reinforces these concepts for you.

8. Seek Family Therapy

If verbal abuse has been a long-standing issue, family therapy can help repair relationships and establish new, healthy dynamics.

The Road to Recovery

Changing ingrained behavior patterns is challenging but possible with commitment and effort.

Remember:

• Progress may be slow, but any improvement is valuable
• Setbacks are normal; don’t let them derail your efforts
• Celebrate small victories along the way
• Continue to educate yourself about healthy relationships

By taking these steps and consistently working to improve, you can break the cycle of verbal abuse. This not only benefits you but creates a safer, more loving environment for your partner and children. It’s a journey worth taking, one that can transform your relationships and set a positive example for future generations.

Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you’re struggling with verbal abuse, reach out to a mental health professional or a domestic violence hotline for support and guidance.

Your commitment to change can make a profound difference in your life and the lives of those you love..

Finally, after all of this analysis, and because you were so courageous as to bring this issue forward to me, I want to leave you with some practical advice you can use:

1. Learn to recognize when you go from “just mad” and can control yourself to “over-the-top raging” when the hurtful words start flowing.
2. If you have trouble determining when that point is, here is a practical suggestion: Go into a local pharmacy and buy a “pulse oximeter.” It is inexpensive and will make your marriage safer. Set the alarm/beeper to go off, and the device will reach 80 if you are in great physical shape or 100 if you have average physical fitness. When you and your wife begin a disagreement, slide it on. 
3. When the pulse oximeter sounds the alarm, say nothing further, leave the room, and do something else. Ideally, you should read something, but do anything that might work to calm yourself down. Do not keep thinking of the fight or what made you angry. Wait 20-30 minutes.
4. Return to your wife and continue the conversation. If the alarm goes off again, repeat #3. 
5. If you cannot continue the argument for longer than a few minutes without that darn thing going off, buy a subscription to Headspace (we have no affiliation).
6. Do each of the Headspace exercises every day. 
7. Continue to disagree with your wife and notice if you can go longer without stopping for 20 minutes before starting up again. You should be able to go longer and longer without “flooding.”
8. If this is all going well, bring your wife in on it by both of you doing “repair attempts” when you disagree and before you flood. Repair attempts keep the fight cool, like a radiator in a car. They also allow you to talk longer (but keep it under 20 minutes).
9. Recognize that it may be time for you to listen more carefully to what your wife wants from you and begin to change. You might have to agree with her more, leave your comfort zone, and take concrete steps to avoid walk-away wife syndrome.

I am pretty sure you will feel proud of yourself when you have learned to control your temper (flooding) and have a more cooperative and less antagonistic relationship with your wife. You sound like you love her very much.

The good news is that if you follow the above ten steps, you should begin to see pretty good results after a few weeks.

Thank you for writing,

Dr. K