What are the top 3 common relationship mistakes? The answer might surprise you.
When you fall in love, it’s easy to imagine that your healthy relationship will bring you wonderful personal growth and long-term companionship. No doubt your partner feels the same.
But as the relationship goes on, it is easy to expect your partner to stay the same, but moving in brings new challenges to many couples. Is your mistake expecting perfection? Having to set new boundaries? Most issues that spark marital conflicts cannot be resolved.
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Relationship mistake: 1. Criticisms and harsh start-up
A softened start-up” is the soft initiation of a request for behavior change.”
John Gottman’s research has revealed distinct patterns of negativity that he calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Criticism is one of those horsemen.
But the way you complain really makes a difference. The best complaint is narrow in focus and is limited to the facts at hand.
Criticism attacks the partner’s character. It points out character flaws or evil intent. And it comes out swinging with the first few words:
- “You are so lazy!”
- “Why are you so selfish?”
- “You are useless!”
Research tells us that the first horse, criticism, is pretty common.
Criticism becomes problematic when it is the primary way you relate to each other.
Try a softened start-up
Women, who tend to be the ones to complain, should notice how they start out their complaints and intentionally try to “soften” them, just as you would approach a beehive. And a little soothing “smoke” doesn’t hurt, either.
Many years ago, I worked with a couple, I’ll call them Sam and Linda, to improve the way that they communicated with each other. I encouraged Linda to start out with some sweet words of understanding:
“Look, honey, I know you worked late tonight, but I’m dead tired and made dinner for the last three nights. Do you mind doing it tonight?”
Soft start-ups aren’t about hiding your annoyance. It’s OK to be annoyed at the consequences, but try to provide an explanation that doesn’t suggest a character flaw.
Second mistake: Defensiveness
Gottman defines defensiveness as “defending one’s innocence, warding off a perceived attack, meeting an attack with a counterattack (a righteous stance of indignation), or whining (an innocent victim stance).
You can do this in any number of ways: “denying responsibility for a problem (it’s all the partner’s fault), cross-complaining, or whining.
Accept responsibility for your role in the marital struggle. Not doing so leads to escalation.
What to try instead
Sam should own up to his contribution and accept responsibility instead of getting defensive.
Instead of explaining why you are right and your partner is wrong, explain why your partner is bringing up a good point and how you need to take heed.
Third Mistake: Batting back influence
You know the scene: Sam has just sat down after work to read the daily news online when he hears his partner Linda call up to him: ”Sam, can you give the kids a bath while I fix dinner?”
Sam chooses not to answer.
Linda is at his office door.
“Are you ignoring me? Are you going to give the kids a bath or what?”
Sam looks up quickly but doesn’t meet her eye. He looks back at the online news. He mumbles something.
Sam is talking to himself about how little free time he has and how hard he works.
“What?!” Sam says. He’s finished the article but hasn’t read a word.
“I said I would.”
Sam is now gaslighting. He didn’t respond to his wife; he ignored her. If Sam is intentionally ignoring his wife to get “downtime” with his online news, or breaks his promises or his commitments to her, his repeated behavior will be seen for what they are: manipulations.
What to try instead
This is a destructive interaction. It can lead to long-term problems. If it is a new pattern, pick a time to sit down and have a serious talk about setting boundaries.
Linda begins this serious talk by telling Sam that she has been unhappy with some of the ways he has been treating her. If this is the first conversation about this, she explains that she knows he cares about her, but his behavior is impacting the way she feels about him. She tells him she’s afraid it will destroy the relationship.
If Sam is receptive, she might offer some examples of the kinds of behaviors she’s talking about. She avoids getting into an argument about the details.
If Sam acts poorly in response (denies, counter-attacks, acts defensively), she should say: “This is an example of what I am talking about. You are negating my experience. Please stop it.“
She ends by telling Sam that from now on, she is going to let him know when his behavior has become offensive and that she hopes he will cooperate by being open to these reminders.
Relationship maturity
Sam needs to be transparent with Linda, according to Gottman. He has to be responsive when she talks (notice I didn’t say “agree with her,”) keep his promises, and do what he says he’ll do.
Gottman says that we need to know that our “partner is an ethical, moral person—a good person, someone who will treat us and others with high moral standards, integrity, honesty, kindness, love, and goodwill.”
We have to be able to trust our partner’s intentions, motives, and actions toward us. When you feel like other people’s or your partner’s needs always take priority over you, this needs to be addressed.
Sam’s needs are also important. He should talk directly about these needs and not expect Linda to know what he wants.
Maintaining intimacy in marriage is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship. However, many couples inadvertently engage in behaviors that can erode this intimacy over time. In this blog post, we explore the insights of relationship experts who shed light on common “intimacy killers” that couples should be aware of and provide valuable advice on how to nurture and protect the intimate connection with your partner.
How does a couple build intimacy in marriage? One researcher who has studied intimacy for more than 40 years, John Gottman, describes intimacy as a combination of shared meaning and helping to make each other’s life dreams come true. A sense of greater purpose and legacy provides intimacy.
Couples may be spending more time together, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that their intimacy in marriage is increasing. For some, the time of working from home is dragging on and on, and outside entertainment is limited.
Despite this time spent together, are you experiencing a lack of intimacy? A sudden “cooling” in your sex life?
We asked our team of relationship experts about the most common “intimacy killers” that couples should be on the lookout for, and what committed couples should strive to do instead to protect their intimacy in marriage.
Critical lessons for intimacy in marriage
Catherine Pfuntner
In the hustle of modern life (and in the stress of the pandemic), many couples put their relationship low on the priority list. It’s important that couples prioritize their relationship, as you think about your day and your week, find time for you and your partner to connect.
Then, guard that time for the precious investment that it is. Another critical issue that can kill intimacy is avoiding repair after a conflict. Repair attempts are critical to the health of any relationship and intimacy.
Angela Voegele
We’ve changed the way that we work and the way that we go out into the world in response to the pandemic.
I see couples becoming too casual with each other. While we want to be comfortable in our own homes things like using the bathroom at the same time, walking around in baggy underwear or comfy oversized pants and never dressing up can be major intimacy killers.
Make special time dedicated to romance and sexual play, get a little fancy, and introduce some novelty when you do—you’ll both feel better!
Debbie Woodall Carroll
Couples are killing their intimacy by constantly being distracted by their phones! While technology can make parts of our lives easier, it also makes being distracted easier. Everything is at our fingertips: emails, social media, phone, text, and video.
Our phones are constantly pinging, which makes unplugging harder to do. If you want to be intimate with your partner, silence your phone and give each other your undivided attention!
Havi Kligfeld
The biggest thing couples do to kill intimacy in marriage is failing to schedule time for it. Sometimes, couples don’t recognize the need to build space for intimate moments in their lives. There seems to be an expectation that romance and desire should happen naturally.
For so many couples managing bills, household chores, jobs, and children, intimacy will only happen if they create a sacred space for it. Don’t wait for it to happen, commit to making it happen together
Jenny Fang
Communication between partners is critical in intimacy and in sex. Sometimes, one partner will assume that the other’s receptiveness to foreplay automatically leads to intercourse.
This can be an intimacy killer if the two of you are not in agreement about where that foreplay is leading. Talk about your expectations and desires together, and be open to engaging in sexual intimacy that isn’t always going to lead to intercourse.
What are some other pitfalls to avoid?
As you work to build your intimacy and stay connected to one another, be mindful of your tone. Harsh criticisms and contempt are dangerous for any relationship. Our relationship experts want the two of you to be particularly mindful of treating each other in these ways.
Making harsh statements and ignoring bids for attention from your partner. (Dr. Heide Rodríguez-Ubiñas)
Showing contempt and disrespect towards a partner. (Dr. Patricia Gorman)
Failing to respond with empathy and understanding when your partner reaches out. (Dr. Doug Burford)
Rebuild your intimacy in marriage.
It is normal for couples to experience ups and downs in intimacy, but if you and your partner are feeling like you can’t get that spark back,
Our relationship experts can help you to change
Summary
Let’s face it, fighting between couples is more the norm than the exception. According to one researcher, couples have more than 300 arguments each year. Fighting isn’t the problem; getting angry isn’t a relationship mistake, either.
The key is how each of you responds to the fight. Keeping your feedback as complaints instead of criticisms, practicing soft start-ups (don’t anger the bees), and responding with openness to complaints instead of getting defensive or batting back influence will go a long way toward keeping that beehive humming and avoiding these three common relationship mistakes.
Intimacy in marriage is a delicate and essential aspect of a healthy relationship that requires ongoing attention and effort from both partners. By being mindful of the common pitfalls that can erode intimacy, such as harsh criticism, contempt, and neglecting to prioritize quality time together, couples can take proactive steps to nurture and protect their intimate connection. Through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to invest in the relationship, couples can overcome the challenges that threaten intimacy and build a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. Remember, intimacy is not just about physical closeness, but also about the emotional bond and shared sense of purpose that brings two people together. By making intimacy a priority and working together to create a loving and supportive environment, couples can enjoy a deeper, more meaningful connection that will stand the test of time.
