Marriage should be a refuge—not a risk factor.
And yet, some studies show it’s safer to be single than to be in a marriage where you feel unsupported.
That might sound dramatic, but the research is clear: Feeling unsupported by your partner is a stronger predictor of depression than being alone. In fact, being in a chronically unsupportive relationship increases your risk of depression more than living in social isolation.
This guide is for couples navigating the deep waters of depression and anxiety. We’ll walk through what signs to look for, how to approach conversations with empathy, and why supporting your partner’s mental health means saving the relationship itself.
When Support Is Missing: Unsupportive Spouse Depression
In a groundbreaking longitudinal study, Dr. Alan Teo found that individuals who perceived their romantic relationships as low in support were far more likely to develop depression over time. The perception—not just the facts—of having an unsupportive spouse increased clinical depression risk more than other life stressors.
What does “unsupportive” mean? It can include:
- Dismissive or critical attitudes
- Refusing to consider your partner’s point of view
- Prioritizing work, hobbies, or addiction over connection
- Withholding emotional availability
- Failing to validate or even acknowledge your partner’s pain
Marriage can be life-extending when it’s loving. But when it’s saturated with criticism, neglect, or emotional abandonment, it’s not just painful—it’s hazardous.
Recognizing the Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety in Your Partner
Depression isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always look like tears—it often looks like irritability, withdrawal, sleep changes, or even physical pain.
Signs of depression may include:
- Losing interest in once-loved activities
- Sleeping more (or far less)
- Anger or irritability instead of sadness
- Changes in appetite
- Expressing hopelessness or shame
Signs of anxiety may include:
- Constant worry about unlikely or irrational fears
- Physical symptoms (tight chest, racing heart)
- Trouble sleeping despite being tired
- Panic attacks that come out of nowhere
- Avoiding certain places, people, or conversations
These conditions don’t just affect the person suffering—they affect the entire household. And if left unacknowledged, they breed resentment, distance, and a sense of helplessness.
Why Your Support Matters—Even If You Feel Lost
You don’t have to fix it. You just have to show up.
Research shows that when a partner feels emotionally supported—even in the middle of depression or anxiety—their recovery accelerates. Their symptoms decrease. Their sense of connection grows.
Compare that to a partner who withdraws, becomes critical, or minimizes the illness. That person is not just unsupportive—they’re unintentionally feeding the very thing that’s tearing the relationship down.
Dr. Teo’s research even suggested that couples therapy might be more effective than individual therapy in preventing or treating depression.
How to Support Your Partner Without Losing Yourself
Support isn’t about solving. It’s about staying steady in the storm.
Listen Without Judgment
Instead of trying to fix it, validate. Repeat back what you hear. Acknowledge their pain.
“That sounds really hard. I can’t imagine how exhausting that must be.”
Use Softened Startups
Don’t diagnose or analyze. Avoid phrases like, “You’re acting just like your mom” or “You’ve been so negative lately.” Instead:
“I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter the past few days. I’m here if you want to talk.”
Be Specific and Observant
Bring specific moments—not generalities:
“You didn’t call your sister back last week, and that’s not like you. I’ve been wondering if something’s going on.”
Agree on Signals
Create a system for tough days—magnets, code words, emojis—anything that quietly signals, “I’m not okay today. Give me space, but check in later.”
Don’t Take Over
Don’t become the fixer, scheduler, or constant reminder. It signals, “You can’t handle life.” Instead, partner with them.
“You mentioned needing to reschedule with your psychiatrist. Want to make a plan together after dinner?”
Respect Your Limits, Too
Support without self-sacrifice. If your day is derailed every time theirs is, you’ll both drown. Keep your plans. Take care of yourself.
“I’m here for you. I’m going to run errands now, but I’ll be back at 3. Want to join me?”
When Depression Becomes a Cycle of Disconnection
Depression doesn’t just hurt the person experiencing it—it reshapes the entire dynamic. Over time:
- Bids for connection are missed or dropped
- Empathy gets replaced with resentment
- Partners stop reaching out, afraid to say the wrong thing
- The “healthy” partner begins to feel lonely and invisible
Most importantly, it helps couples remember that they’re not adversaries—they’re allies.
Even better, research suggests that couples therapy can prevent depression in high-risk relationships.
Final Thoughts: Support Is a Skill You Can Learn
Whether your partner is struggling—or you are—your relationship doesn’t have to be another casualty of depression. With the right skills, support, and perspective, couples can emerge stronger.
You don’t need to be perfect. Just present.
And if you’re feeling unsupported, don’t suffer in silence.
Couples therapy is not just for fighting couples—it’s for those who want to fight for each other.
Struggling with anxiety or depression in your relationship? We specialize in helping couples reconnect—even when hope feels far away. Learn more about science-based couples therapy.
Originally published September 13, 2018.
Updated May 19, 2025
