She remembers the dentist appointments. She knows which child hates mushrooms. She tracks the school calendar, answers the emails, reorders the toilet paper, and still manages to smile politely when her partner asks, “Why are you so tense lately?”
You’d never call her a Supermom. But she’s the one who quietly holds it all together—until she can’t.
We meet her often in our couples therapy intensives. Sometimes she comes reluctantly. Sometimes she’s the one who found us and filled out the forms. Either way, she walks in already carrying the invisible weight of the marriage.
And here’s what I want to say clearly: That weight isn’t just a personal problem. It’s a relational one.
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Overfunctioning Isn’t a Compliment. It’s a System.
When one partner consistently overfunctions—emotionally, logistically, even psychologically—the other tends to underfunction in return. That’s how systems work. They calibrate.
In straight couples, this dynamic is often gendered. She organizes everything. He “goes with the flow.” She reads the parenting books. He mows the lawn. She’s overwhelmed. He’s confused about why she’s so angry.
She’s not angry. She’s alone.
Or more precisely, she’s sick of being responsible for everyone’s experience but her own.
In intensives, this dynamic doesn’t just get named—it gets interrogated, examined, softened, and, often, completely rebuilt.
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The Cultural Lie That Motherhood Should Consume You
Our culture rewards women for becoming indispensable and then punishes them for being resentful about it.
Back in 1979, researchers asked women to react to statements like:
“It’s better if the man is the achiever and the woman takes care of the home.”
Cringe-worthy, yes—but telling. Those who disagreed with the Supermom mindset early on were far less likely to report depression later in life.
The ones who embraced it?
They paid for it. Emotionally. Mentally. Maritally.
Because trying to be everything to everyone isn’t noble. It’s lonely.
And couples where that imbalance goes unspoken for years? They arrive in our offices burned out and heartbroken. They love each other. But the system they’ve built is unsustainable.
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What the Research Shows (and Why It Matters in Therapy)
Katrina Leupp’s longitudinal study linked over-functioning women with increased depression—even when they had high marital satisfaction.
But it’s not just the stay-at-home Supermoms. Newer research (Solomon & Shepherd, 2021) found that highly educated, employed women report lower job satisfaction despite having more autonomy, income, and variety.
Why?
Because “better” jobs often come with worse boundaries, longer hours, and more pressure to prove you belong.
Interestingly, the one group that fared better?
Self-employed women. Why? Agency.
They had more control over their time. And in our clinical experience, agency is the antidote to resentment.
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Why This Shows Up in Intensives
Weekly therapy doesn’t always cut it here. These dynamics are chronic, layered, and defended. In an intensive, we have the time and space to go deeper.
We look at:
• How the overfunctioning began—and why it never stopped
• How silence and politeness cover grief, exhaustion, and growing contempt
• How both partners benefit (and suffer) from the roles they’ve taken on
We ask:
• Do you want a co-parent or a co-founder?
• What are you modeling for your kids when you carry everything alone?
• What happens if you drop one ball… and don’t pick it back up?
These are not rhetorical. They’re emotional earthquake questions. And they open space.
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This Isn’t About Chore Charts (Though Those Help Too)
Yes, part of this is about logistics. But deeper than that, it’s about emotional equity.
Because when one partner is constantly scanning for danger, needs, messes, and mood shifts, and the other is just trying not to “rock the boat,” the emotional intimacy dies.
You don’t make love to your project manager. You don’t confide in your supervisor.
And when resentment replaces curiosity, desire fades too.
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Nine Moves Toward Repair (For Couples Who Want a Reset)
These are the shifts we guide in intensives—not as prescriptions, but as invitations:
- Name what’s happening. You’re not crazy, overreacting, or “bad at balance.” You’re exhausted. That’s worth saying.
- Check the fairness contract. Are you overfunctioning because of personality? Or because your partner under-functions and you’ve stopped believing things will change?
- Track what you’re doing. Make the invisible labor visible—for both of you.
- Ask the hard question: What do I believe will fall apart if I stop doing so much?
- Have the real talk. Share what you’re thinking of letting go. Ask your partner how they feel about that—not as a threat, but as a collaboration.
- Subtract. Don’t just reorganize. Let go. Release. Practice saying, “That’s not mine to hold.”
- Say no. Not everything is yours to manage. And not every ‘ask’ is worth a yes.
- Experiment with boundaries. Want a screen-free Sunday? Want to stop answering texts after 6pm? Try it. Talk about how it feels.
- Refocus the partnership. Don’t just parent your kids—model a marriage that’s worth admiring.
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Final Thoughts: Supermom, You Don’t Need to Be the Glue
You built a beautiful life. But not the part worth waking up for.
Let’s rebuild that part. Not by asking you to do more—but by asking your partner to step up, show up, and co-create something sustainable.
You don’t need a new planner. You need a new pattern.
That’s what we offer in an intensive.
